Gentleman: May I buy you a drink?
Lady: I would rather have the money!
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(1) A gentleman had had too much alcohol at a party, and was heading home when he was pulled over by a state trooper.
Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't even walk a straight line any more than he could drive one. So, the trooper writes him a ticket. Just when he was going to give the ticket to the driver, an accident in the opposite lane takes his attention away.
The inebriated driver figures that the trooper wasn't coming back to him. So, he drives home and goes to bed.
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In the morning, he was woken up by a knock on his door.
When he unlocks his door, he finds another state trooper standing on his front door.
Trooper: Are you Mr. Johnson?
Trooper: Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence?
Trooper: And what did you do then?
Man: I drove my car home and went to bed.
Trooper: Where is your car now?
Man: It's in the garage.
Trooper: May I see the car?
The man opens his garage door, only to find the state trooper's car in it.
(2) An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scot walk into a bar and order a pint of beer for themselves. When their drinks arrive, they notice that all three pints had a fly in them.
The Englishman just looks at his pint in disgust and pushes it away.
The Irishman picks out the fly with his bare fingers and throws it on the floor. Then, he proceeds to drink his beer.
The Scot picks up the fly out of his pint, holds it over the glass and says, "Now come on you little git, spit it out!"
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